Breaking news from the Alamo: The horse is already out of the barn.

Hate to employ such a tired cliché, but it is so to the point.

Not sure whom in the state government Commissioner Jerry Patterson offended to be tossed into the lions’ den of Alamo politics, but the additional Sisyphean task of defending the Alamo against copyright infringement might just send the commissioner calling for an appointment at Alamo Psychiatric Care, conveniently located just outside the compound’s walls and one of more than 1,000 such-named businesses operating right here in the Alamo City.

If one were Alamobsessive to the extreme, one could go through one’s whole life in San Antonio only patronizing businesses electing to honor our Texas heroes by remembering the Alamo in their names. You could comfortably live in the ’09 neighborhood named for its location on a rise overlooking the poor flatlanders living near the Alamo itself.

You could come into and leave this world that way, literally go from cradle to grave, progressing from delivery as a baby by Alamo obstetricians to your final embalmment at Alamo Funeral Home. In this city, as across much of Texas, there is virtually no need to contract for any non-Alamo service from the floors in your house to chimney sweeps on your rooftop (Although in conducting research for this post, I confess I failed to click on any Alamo escort services, fearing I might catch a plague of never-ending promiscuity-promoting pop-ups.).

Last month’s Alamo crisis was all about alcohol. Only last night, Alamo Beer was served publicly on Alamo Plaza. Imagine that.

The Daughters of the Republic of Texas defending the Alamo against an invasion of hooch tend to overlook the abundance of hooch-holding receptacles available in their own gift shop. René Guzman of the San Antonio Express-News described the numerous opportunities to take a “shot for the shrine:”

Next to coffee mugs, shot glasses pack the Alamo gift shop like so many troops of varying heights, widths and alcohol-holding capacities. And nothing puts the “shot” in shot glass quite like an Alamo shotgun-shell shot glass ($4.95) and One Last Shot! pistol shot glass ($4.25). If you prefer your liquor with a bit more dignity, try the Crockett, Bowie and William Travis shot glass three-pack ($9.95).

Photographer Helen L. Montoya of the San Antonio Express-News took photos of items from the Alamo Gift Shop. For some reason, the Daughters of the Republic of Texas diligently defend the inner sanctum of the Alamo Gift Shop from photographers.

Yes, Commissioner Patterson, for lessons in preserving the dignity when remembering the Alamo, you need look no farther than the gift shop shelves themselves. As Guzman wrote:

Dig a little deeper and you’ll find more kitsch than you can throw a rubber Bowie knife at.

 

The newest commercial affront to the dignity of the shrine arises in the Alamo’s front yard, on the river at the base of the Hyatt Regency, from a lowly worm – The Worm Tequila and Mescal Bar. According to a story in the Express-News by Scott Huddleston, the owners of the bar were seeking a trademark of the phrase “I Can’t Remember the Alamo.”

 

The General Land Office, newly charged to defend the Alamo and the shelves in its gift shop, rose to the charge. According to Huddleston: 

In the new trademark case, the Land Office said the issue is not about alcohol, but preservation of an 1836 Texian battle cry, “Remember the Alamo,” that, to many, still captures the spirit of Texas and the state’s proud but complex history.

 

Mark Loeffler, Land Office spokesman, said Qwercky’s application mentions mugs, clothing and even underwear as potential merchandise.

 

“Surely there must be other ways to promote a bar than disparaging the memory of not only the defenders of the Alamo, but the Spanish priests and Native Americans who died there during the 300-year history of the mission,” he said.

 

The General Land Office need not fear this affront to the battle cry “Remember the Alamo,” emblazoned for years, sometimes in compromising positions, on the front of t-shirts in shop display windows encircling the plaza. The wheels of justice in the state of Texas sometimes turn slowly, but vigilante justice already has taken its course.

The messenger recently escaped from behind the Alamo walls, a Daughter disowned by her siblings, Sarah Reveley summoned the power of facebook to alert the hotel hosting the new bar to the potential dangers to the hotel’s reputation. The response was swift:

Dear Sarah,

 

I am in receipt of the note you sent our corporate office today regarding your concern over marketing programs by one of our tenants. The Worm is a leased outlet on the river level of our hotel and is an autonomous operation. We unfortunately were not aware of this marketing position and trademark request by the operator until today. I have spoken to the owner and conveyed our concerns with this and have in fact exercised the hotels right that prohibit any advertising that tends to impair the reputation of the area. I have conferred with the owner of this establishment and he is withdrawing the trademark request.

Regards,
Peter
Peter McMahon
General Manager Hyatt Regency San Antonio

If the cash-strapped founders of the Republic of Texas had the foresight to comprehend the potential commercial value of the “Alamo” after the crushing defeat, they certainly would have arrived on the plaza as soon as possible to stake their claim to the word. But they did not, and Alamo businesses began to multiply almost immediately. 

Of course, a dramatic way for the General Land Office to leave all the thousands of businesses with Alamo logos throughout the country out in the cold is to give the Alamo a crewcut. Return the facade to its time-of-the-battle flat-top, and trademark the new outline. That would certainly leave warehouses in China full of thousands of outdated t-shirts and shot glasses.

 

 

But, with the need for immediate action averted, perhaps Commissioner Patterson should adopt an unusual strategy. “Alamo” is so widespread, it seems impossible to regulate. So don’t.

 

While it is not in the spirit of the defenders to surrender, raise the white flag. Instead of carefully monitoring people applying to trademark Alamo-this or Alamo-that, rule that there will be absolutely no trademarks issued in the state of Texas with the word “Alamo” in them at all. If entrepreneurs can’t corner the market on a tacky item or ensure competitors can’t immediately copy the name of their businesses, the number of so-named products and businesses might decrease instead of increasing.

 

Plus, after years of abuse and indignities, some of them suffered within the walls of the Alamo Gift Shop itself, few battle sites in the world are as well-remembered as the Alamo. Even “I can’t remember the Alamo” only makes one remember the Alamo.

 

 

Blue Book No. 1, “See Sallie After the Alamo,” digital collage by Gayle Brennan Spencer, http://www.postcardsfromsanantonio.com/blue_book.htm

Update on August 24, 2012:  San Antonio Express-News editorial suggests “Land Office should drop errant suit:”

Now Patterson has waded into an ill-considered trademark battle with the owner of two bars seeking to block use of an irreverent riff on the battle cry, “Remember the Alamo!” The bar owner is using the phrase, “I Can’t Remember the Alamo.” In a notice filed with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, the Land Office argued that the “applicant’s mark disparages the deceased combatants of the Battle of the Alamo by communicating that their sacrifice was not worthy of memory or esteem.”

The objections of the Land Office are ironic, given the criticism directed at it by those who objected that allowing alcohol to be served at Alamo Hall disparaged the sacrifice of Alamo defenders. The two bars are a block or more away from Alamo Plaza.

The Land Office and taxpayers have a legitimate interest in seeing that the state’s trademark on the phrase “The Alamo” is not infringed upon or diluted. Patrons purchasing “I Can’t Remember the Alamo” merchandise at the bars are not likely to believe those items are officially licensed, any more than they are likely to believe that restaurants or rental car companies that incorporate the Alamo in their names have an official connection to the Cradle of Texas Liberty.

Update on August 28, 2012:  Scott Huddleston reports for the Express-News that the General Land Office has hired a firm to manage the gift shop at the Alamo: 

Jerry Gilbert, vice president of marketing for Event Network, said the firm was thrilled and humbled to be at the Alamo, and committed to working with the DRT and Land Office in balancing consumerism with reverence at the site. “We’re tremendously sensitive to that issue,” Gilbert said. “We’ll always err toward being smart, being careful.”

If Event Network can’t limbo under the current height of the bar for balancing consumerism and reverence in stocking merchandise, it would be called Ripley’s. 

Happy birthday, oh fan most loyal…

As I am trying to stay focused on other writing projects, my blog posts are few and far between.

Not that anyone has been complaining.

Not surprisingly, readership has tapered off dramatically.

Except for my fan most loyal.

No matter how stale the posts are, this follower returns again and again. So frequent are those visits, WordPress tries to block them to keep its internet arteries unclogged.

But he is persistent, slipping through the second WordPress lets its guard down.

I knew little about him, so today I decided to learn more.

He turned 75 this year. And he must be well-educated.

Well, not that well-educated. Admittedly, his grammar is poor. In fact, his favorite post appears to be a photo with a spelling error in its title: “sandwish board.” This also means he has poor taste, as the photo is of an illegal, tacky sign plopped in the middle of a sidewalk on Alamo Plaza.

He speaks some Japanese, I think. And he appears fluent in Russian, at least as far as I can tell from trying to read his comments. Even though I rudely never respond to his comments – one of my numerous excuses being my ignorance of the Russian language – he never wavers in his loyalty.

With only a little research, I found out why he speaks Russian:

“Without Spam, we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army.”

Nikita Khrushchev, ‘Khrushchev Remembers’ (1970)

According to www.spam.com, more than 100 million cans of Spam were shipped out to feed the Allied troops during World War II, which, under the lend-lease program, included those of the USSR.

Yes, Spam the man is my number one fan (Sorry, Hormel, I just don’t get the all-caps thing.).

So, here’s Spammy, as Hormel affectionately calls him >

The one-billionth can of Spam was produced in 1959.

I thought Spam disappeared from the shelves as soon as babyboomers entered adolescence.

Until today, I assumed a can of Spam was like the tin of fruitcake described by Johnny Carson:

There is only one fruitcake in the world, and people keep sending it to each other.

But I was so mistaken. I underestimated Spam’s resiliency. According to this frightening statistic on foodreference.com, 3.6 cans of Spam are consumed every second.

I also underestimated his versatility. Spam is oh so much more than something served simply sliced straight out of the can.

According to the official website, Spam has taken on an international flair to suit our changing palates. The combinations are beyond your wildest dreams (or worst nightmares?). Do you like green eggs and Spam?

I will spare you the glossy photos of the outcomes, but a few recipes Hormel proudly shares are polenta topped with Spam and black bean salsa, Spam wontons, Spam musubi and huevos Spamcheros. But come November, you probably just want to rely on that all-American favorite, “Spamsgiving Day Delight.”

Oh, please, spare us, Sam. Put that Spam back in the can.

The most amazing thing I found out about my fan Spam today is why he has a layer of jiggly jelly. I assumed it was for long-term preservation so he could be stored in bomb shelters. But the preservative in Spam is simply sodium nitrate, about which Hormel strives to make you feel good:

Small amounts of sodium nitrate are found in delicious meats like hot dogs…. It helps preserve the pink color of meat. And no one likes gray meat.

No, the real reason is Spam actually is cooked directly in the can. So naturally his fat rises to the top. Cooking and cooling a can of Spam is as time-consuming as cooking a turkey; it takes Hormel three hours.

So, Spam, my fan. It was good to get to know more about you today. I think it’s wise wordpress.com screens out thousands of your clicks on my blog. The sheer numbers might go to my head, encouraging me to post more often.

And happy birthday, you old-75-year-old you. You don’t look a day older than the day you were first canned.

Just please, don’t wear your birthday suit around me. Keep your can about you. I want to have something to pass down to my grandchildren.

 

Around Alamo Plaza: Been a long time, but the signs are still there.

There have been many posts in this blog ranting about haphazard appearance of the front door for many a visitor to San Antonio – the Alamo Plaza Historic District.

Most businesses evidently believe duplicate signs are critical; even the city’s newly remodeled Visitor Information Center has two extra, twin signs flanking its doorways. I thought the Hotel Indigo was going for cool, but apparently not. And, although it’s not in the district, the city’s recently redone plaza with its strangely homuncular statue of Henry B. gets graced with an illegal sandwich board advertising a garage a block away.

There is no need for many words this time; the photos of illegal signs speak for themselves.

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If you have the stomach for more ugly signage greeting our millions of visitors annually, here is a small sampling from older posts:

• Seesawing Signage Issues
• Slip-Sliding Backwards
• Enforcing the Code

Please complain about the lack of enforcement of signage regulations in the Alamo Plaza Historic District to your city council representative and consider dialing 311 to report violations you see.

How would you feel about the Alamo with a crewcut?

The treatment of the Alamo on the frontispiece of San Antonio, a 1913 “Descriptive View Book in Colors” – a birthday present from a friend – caught my eye with its unusually frank acknowledgement of the major alteration of the facade of the former Mission San Antonio de Valero.

The frontispiece of this booklet showed the Alamo with the added architectural frontispiece removed.

The distinguished curving outline of the facade has become a symbol not only of the battle that took place there in 1836, but of the city itself. The widely replicated outline, commercialized into many a business logo, is recognized worldwide. 

But the distinctive parapet was not part of the original church built nearly 300 years ago; nor was it there during the famous battle in 1836.

According to the Handbook of Texas Online, the curvilinear addition is thought to have been the brainchild of an architect and builder by the name of John M. Friese, who designed the Menger Hotel next door to the Alamo a few years later. Friese’s client was the United States Army, which was renting the former mission from the Catholic Church. The project fell under the supervision of Major Edwin Burr Babbitt, assistant quartermaster for the post. According to the Handbook, Major Babbitt actually wanted to tear the Alamo down and erect a completely new building. General Thomas S. Jesup vetoed that idea, fortunately for today’s tourism industry, and the parapet was added in 1850 as part of the adaptation of the building for the Army’s needs.

Through the years, many changes have taken place on the plaza in front of the Alamo, the plaza that was enclosed by crumbling mission walls at the time of the battle.

A group has emerged with plans to recapture those grounds from the city that has encroached upon them. The Texas History Center at Alamo Plaza, Inc., has developed elaborate presentations for what it calls the Alamo Restoration Project.

The stated goal of this proposed project is:

to enhance the visitor’s pilgrimage to the “Cradle of Texas Liberty” by providing a historic atmosphere for personal reflection, inspiration, and learning. We encourage people to seek out their heritage, explore the rich and diverse history of the region, and immerse themselves with the texture of the past.

While this sounds noble on the surface, there are some who think the part of this site’s ”heritage” and “diverse history” that is more important than a lost battle might be its much earlier role as a mission outpost.

Another major issue is the problem of a historic landmark built atop of the original western wall of the mission compound. The handsome Crockett Block, designed by architect Alfred Giles, was built only 30 years after the Army added the parapet to the Alamo. The project’s plan is to simply move the massive building, as The Fairmount was relocated in 1985.

What would be left would be a huge open footprint of the grounds at the time of the 1836 battle, but what I see is hot. There are just not many days of the year where people are going to want to stand in the middle of a treeless, shadeless plaza contemplating the battle. Five minutes in the middle of the plaza on a day like today would be more than enough to make one pray for the return of the raspa vendors.

To accomplish this restoration project would mean major battles with not just the Daughters of the Republic of Texas but also with the yellow-hatted ladies of the Battle of Flowers Association, whose parade has a strong historical connection to Alamo Plaza.

While there are pictures on the group’s website showing the Alamo without the added parapet, there is nothing written online that I see calling for its removal. But, to be true to the group’s goals, it obviously should be.

Calling attention to the need for better treatment and interpretation of our most famous tourist site is worthwhile, but stripping the area back to the battle era seems extreme.

And, would San Antonians ever be willing to let go of that distinctive frontispiece for an Alamo with a crewcut? If nothing else above were, those seem like fighting words to me.